he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
