Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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