Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
