Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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