Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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