he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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