I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
