So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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