he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
