I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We need to feng shui this bitch.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
