that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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