eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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