forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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