Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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