It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize