can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
