It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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