Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
