At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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