you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
