I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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