Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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