I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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