I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
