if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
