she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
