Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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