Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Randomize
