Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
