Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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