I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
