And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
