im having a threesome with these popsicles
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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