Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
