highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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