i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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