This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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