Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
