Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
