john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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