he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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