I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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