hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
