new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
FUCK WHALES
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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