what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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