dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
