I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
