Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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