How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
