Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
