First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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