i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
