somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
