You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
