she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
