Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
