my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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