He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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