Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
