Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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