I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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