When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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